Willie Nelson – Country Pie

The Scene: Early 1980’s Willie Nelson and Family at Poplar Creek Music Theatre.

Willie was very big back then, selling 15,000+ tickets for each of his annual stops at Poplar. Willie and his team were fine, laid back folks – the crowd was another thing. Willie’s crowd consisted of 40-something country bumpkins that LOVED to drink. They arrived drunk so they could party in the parking lots and drink so when they got into the theatre they could really start drinking. Mind you, most of the theatre staff were young college and high school aged kids. Drunk 40-something’s do not listen to kids. In fact, they go out of their way to be rude shits.

The staff learned very early that a crowd stoned on “the evil pot” was easy because they wanted to listen to the music, look at the lights, and see beauty in their date’s eyes. Alcohol-fueled drunks want to party, fuck, puke and repeat with their boots on. YaaaHooo!

Thank God pot is illegal and alcohol is sold at counters conveniently spread throughout the theatre for quick and easy access.

During the show, I’m standing in the plaza area behind the stage near one set of bathrooms. A couple (man & wife) are in the plaza walking/stumbling slowly towards the bathrooms. They are VERY drunk and arguing – screaming at each other. I can’t tell what they’re fighting about but they’re both wearing very large cowboy hats. “Kind of funny watching these two make asses out of themselves, and the wife is sort of hot in a HeeHaw kind of way,” I reflect. Wife disappears into the bathroom leaving husband alone trying in vain to light a cigarette (he’s too drunk).

Wife emerges from the bathroom. Black jeans and underwear at her ankles – naked below the waist – sketching along in mini-steps, pointing and screaming at husband. This is no Britney Spears accident – this is country pie cooling on the windowsill for all to savor. I quietly consider, “life really is great!” Husband drops his unlit cigarette, engages in return screaming and moves towards screaming country-pie.

They meet and he CLOBBERS her. I mean, he just reared back and POW – a direct facial bull’s eye. Wife drops backwards – hard. She is laying flat on her back, arms above her head, legs bunched together at the ankles; knee’s spread wide open - unconscious.

I call for back-up and medical on my radio and run down to the happy couple. Wife is absolutely out cold – she’s even twitching a bit, some blood on her nose. Husband is pacing around screaming like a banshee. I cover her legs with my windbreaker, make sure she’s breathing, and wait for the Calvary to arrive. Husband starts yelling at me to “leave the bitch alone.”

“Did you see what she did?” he asks.
“Leave her alone or I’ll have to take you out,” husband threatens me.
“Better leave her alone or I’ll……………………”

Calvary arrives. Security, medical, undercover cops, the works. Husband figures out he’s screwed. I yell at the guy, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Husband answers, “It’s alright……..she’s my wife, I can hit her if I want.”

At that moment, every person there wanted to kick his ass - badly. Husband was arrested. Wife woke up but was taken away in an ambulance. Unfortunately, Husband accidentally hit his head on the roof of the cop car as he was put into the rear seat with his cuffs on. Also, apparently Husband resisted arrest, forcing the Police to use force as they prepared him for transfer.

I guess husband was a little bit rock & roll and wife was a little bit country.

God bless Willie Nelson.